Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I find skydiving really hard. I broke my back while skydiving when I was in the military, and for 18 months all my nightmares were about falling.

We thought that whatever we wanted to do was right and good, simply because we were Americans, and we would succeed at it because we were Americans.