Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

It took me realizing that a broken heart has never actually killed anyone to find the courage to ask for what I want, in just about every situation. That was part of my own growing up.

When I was 16, I used to hang out at the Nambucca pub in North London and see The Libertines play live.

I love fat people. Every fat person says it's not their fault, that they have gland trouble. You know which gland? The saliva gland.