Top 43 Quotes by Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.