Top 43 Quotes by Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.