Top 43 Quotes by Phyllis Diller

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.