Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Recently, I was in Bernalda, my dad's ancestral home town in Italy. He has just refurbished a palazzo and turned it into a hotel, so we had my sister's wedding there. It was beautiful.

It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you got to have is faith and discipline when you're not a winner.

There are risks in the sheer brevity of Twitter, and it's actually quite an elegant art reducing what you have to say to 140 characters, and it's something that I quite enjoy attempting to do.