George Burns

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

James Bond is quite serious about his drinks and clothing and cigarettes and food and all that sort of thing. There is nothing wry or amused about James Bond.

Republicans passed the Fourteenth Amendment, securing for blacks equal rights under the law, and the Fifteenth Amendment, giving blacks the right to vote, over the Democrats' opposition.

I do think my old fella wasn't much of a... I don't remember him ever being a 'dad' dad. He was too busy working. It was a hard life, man.