I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. Paula Poundstone bagounceput Change image and share on social
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield interruptspeakwife Change image and share on social
I guess I'm pleased and proud of the respect of my peers, and that when I disappear from the scene or from this earth, I will have left a mark. They'll say, 'He did it well.' I like being funny; it opens people up. Robert Klein disappearearthfunny share on social
The difference between you and the funny person on TV is that they acted on their ideas. Rob Manuel actdifferencefunny Change image and share on social
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain climatecompanyheaven Change image and share on social
The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans. Malin Akerman badboychair share on social
I'm very lighthearted, outgoing, friendly, and funny, so I like to try new things. Chandler Parsons friendlyfunnylightheart Change image and share on social
Fencing is a funny sport. Competitive fencing is not really very applicable to the stage world unless you're fighting with a rapier during the Renaissance, you know? Kris Holden-Ried applicablecompetitivefence Change image and share on social
If you don't know Tom Lehrer, you should - in addition to being a classical pianist, mathematician, songwriter, satirist, researcher at Los Alamos and, he claims, inventor of the Jell-O shot, he is just delightfully funny and graceful. Rachel Sklar additionalamosclaim share on social
I've been invited to appear on Letterman, but they wanted me to talk about a funny videotape of Congress. 'Bring us your outtakes!' That's not our job. Brian Lamb bringcongressfunny Change image and share on social
