Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I always dreamed of writing in an orchestral context. But when you finish a piece, you want to hear it. So we played everything with Phish.

Being very, very honest, I've watched more Bill Clinton speeches than stand-up specials. Steve Jobs commencements. They're just great orators. I love people who boldly share their point of view.

I get a kick out of watching a team defense me. A player moves two steps in one direction and I hit it two steps the other way. It goes right by his glove and I laugh.