Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Well, I actually wrote her a letter a couple of days ago congratulating her. The tone I tried to convey in the letter is, look, you are a part of a great American historical process.

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman.

As a young child my attention span was, as I remember it, rather short.