Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If my house was on fire, I can't compromise about which part of the house I'm going to save. You save the whole house or it will all burn down. We either save this country or we do not.

Well, I actually wrote her a letter a couple of days ago congratulating her. The tone I tried to convey in the letter is, look, you are a part of a great American historical process.

I installed anti-rust roofing into homes in Cairns. I packed boxes at Baby Barn. I was even a Manny! Mate, I know more about braiding hair and My Little Pony than most men, I can tell ya.