Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

They played Boston. They played at the Boston Tea Party and through an amazing chain of events I got to hang out with them backstage even though I was underage.

What I find is most people have a civics book understanding for how Congress works and how a bill moves.

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.