Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.

What was always interesting about Thomas Harris' books is they were a wonderful hybridization of a crime thriller and a horror movie.

I laugh at absurdity hardest, then stories, then observations, then bearded men on roller skates.

In the best farce today we start with some absurd premise as to character or situation, but if the premises be once granted we move logically enough to the ending.