Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

As a young child my attention span was, as I remember it, rather short.

When I left Barcelona, staying in Spain was an important factor in my decision to join Madrid. I did not have to change country or learn a new language, adopt a different sort of lifestyle, and so on.

I think celebrities suck.