Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.

Go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.

Children don't need much advice but they really do need to be listened to and not just with half an ear.

I think for any actor, for the roles they deeply, truly want? They always have to audition for them.