Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman.

If every time you engage in a sex act, you go into a confession box, you will never accept your own sexuality.

I was a dedicated, boring student. The last thing I wanted was to be a comedienne.