Erma Bombeck

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

I'd date someone younger or older; age doesn't matter to me. Or looks, really - it's all about maturity.

Being in a floodplain is like sitting down in a bathtub.

I have a dog named Steve that lives at the studio.