Ambrose Bierce

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

In general, mankind, since the improvement of cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires.

Well, I actually wrote her a letter a couple of days ago congratulating her. The tone I tried to convey in the letter is, look, you are a part of a great American historical process.

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.