Al Yankovic

I mean, I hate to gloat, but I'm extremely satisfied with my position in life and the way things have worked out for me.

What kind of morons do you have working at newspapers in Austin that would base an entire review of an artist's performance on whether or not they had a good seat?

I've learned how to use my spam filter pretty effectively.

We'll get material in there and all of a sudden I'll switch the material around or the order of the show.

To keep the business going, you gotta keep it boomin'.

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman.