Jimmy Fallon

My dad used to work at IBM, so we used to get discounts on computers and stuff, and I did have a ThinkPad.

Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.

I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.

Australians and the British are very similar: If you try and stand out in any way, and you try to reach for success, someone is gonna be there to cut you down.

God looks after children, animals and idiots.

I am convinced that the reason so many fans leave Dodger Stadium after the seventh inning is that they become bored.