Gary Owens

Like I always tell people, I don't pander to any audience, but you have to play to your audience.

My comedy isn't going to solve problems; I'm not that deep.

I'm not a mean comic, I don't want to turn anybody off - I just want to give a point of view or my take on things that everyone can laugh at.

I used to have nightmares when I was a little kid that I woke up prematurely and opened all the Christmas presents. And then I would be so relieved when I woke up and I realized that I hadn't done it.

If you have a block of ballistics gelatin and a high-speed camera, pretty soon somebody gets a gun!