Paula Poundstone

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Whenever I have bid a hasty goodbye to a loved one, I've always made sure that my record collection was safely stored away in the boot of the car.

We should start by allowing drilling in Alaska's National Wildlife Refuge. It can provide billions of barrels of recoverable oil and trillions of cubic feet of recoverable natural gas.

If every time you engage in a sex act, you go into a confession box, you will never accept your own sexuality.