Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

There's no buying a greasy breakfast in L.A. - it's all organic juices.

I am happy to the spokeswoman for this French youth that tomorrow will be spearhead new hope in the shape of the National Front.

We'll get material in there and all of a sudden I'll switch the material around or the order of the show.