Never order food in excess of your body weight. Erma Bombeck bodyexcessfood Change image and share on social
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. Erma Bombeck badguesthouse Change image and share on social
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. Erma Bombeck confusefamehelen Change image and share on social
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck batterycarguarantee Change image and share on social
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' Erma Bombeck checkoutchildpractical Change image and share on social
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. Erma Bombeck grandmotherhalloweenpretend Change image and share on social
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. Erma Bombeck browndeadfruit Change image and share on social